A Spritely Oolong

Chemistry Issues

2012-01-12T09:13:00.002-05:00

Each injection happens at a 4 minute interval. Every other 20 minutes of the run, you have about 3.5 minutes of free time before another injection. The alternate 20 minutes does not allow for the free time, despite still being at 4 minute intervals.

Problem: How do you use the bathroom?

Solution: Injection, mix, strip gloves, sprint down hallway, wash hands (you've been working with material from a bottle with skull & crossbones and fish with x's over their eyes after all) use bathroom, wash hands, sprint down hallway, put on gloves, add injection.

Whoever thinks chemistry is sedentary has never needed to pee during an hours long run of tests.

Homeless Veterans

2011-10-03T01:21:00.002-04:00

Tonight I learned that someone I care for will likely die very soon.

A wonderful man who was always encouraging and caring and cheering to me is a homeless veteran with a drinking problem. See, in Korea some armour ran over his leg, he wouldn't let them take it, so it has to be rebroken and rebroken constantly. He drinks because he is in constant pain. He lives in a ramshackle tent just off of the interstate.

A week ago on his way home to his tent, he was attacked and beaten badly. A week letter, incredibly drunk and in incredible pain he fell and was rushed back to the ER. He was very badly bruised and his liver is failing.

He's a special and generous man scarred by a terrible war and it's killing him. There is nothing I can do for him and it hurts that he hurts and that the world is so uncaring and callous that it has abandoned him. He's 2000 miles away nearly and I can't tell him goodbye in person or how much I appreciated him. I have a good friend who is trying to be there for him, went to see him in the hospital. I am grateful for that at least, but he is one of a million faceless homeless veterans to everyone else.

Walking by the Lights

2011-09-29T22:27:00.002-04:00

I love to walk through trees and under streetlights at night. There is something poetic and beautiful that speaks to me. I am a certain part of myself that I don't normally have time for as I walk along the sidewalk in a sweet gloom. But I don't have time to relish the feeling. I am midway between one emergency blue light and the next and there was a weird boy in the library and there are parked dark cars which may not be empty and there is a man walking over there.

On Julian Assange

2011-09-28T18:02:00.002-04:00

Julian Assange gets credit and adulation from people around the world. He's a champion of free speech, of freedom of information and the press. He is credited with helping to bring about the Arab Spring. Some people find him subversive and dangerous to governments and those who work for them. He's done things I can personally appreciate like releasing things the "church" of Scientology would really prefer he didn't. He's been awarded by an organization I care very much for- Amnesty International for reporting on extrajudicial killings in Kenya.

He's just been nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize though and I cannot help but find it offensive. He is currently UNDER INVESTIGATION FOR SEXUAL ASSAULT. They've moved the decision and court stuff on all that till later and that's wrong enough on it's own. But it seems unconscionable to even nominate him, let alone name him the winner. You can argue is he a cyber terrorist or isn't he, if his actions are well motivated or not. I don't care what side someone comes down on those issues, though I tend to come down very hard against censorship. But if there are genuine questions of this nature and they haven't been answered.. Nobel Prize, you should be ashamed. You want to give him this so badly? shortlist him so badly? Wait until he's been cleared.

All in all, I may share some of his beliefs and understand why he is lauded for many of his actions. But I don't forgive certain things and any form of sexual assault is one of those certain things. It's a larger than life version of "but he's such a great person!" or "he's really good at such and such" or "he feels really badly about that now and is totally different." People do that too easily even to the everyday rapist. When it comes to someone like Julian Asange, even the communities who would normally come down against someone accused of what he has been are willing to give him a pass. Look! He's so amazing. Who cares what he did to those women. Those women must be liars! They are just part of a conspiracy! I don't know, maybe all of that is true. But Sweden is not a country to engage in that sort of nonsense, and the UK courts would have dismissed the extradition out of hand were that true. He's not been proven guilty, but these women haven't had their day in court. Don't give the man a medal until you're sure?

Understanding Human Change

2011-09-23T19:14:00.003-04:00

Growing up I understood that thirsty, hot people in the desert would see mirages. I understood these mirages to be delusions of the poor person wandering about. They'd see an oasis, a mountain lake... And it's true! The heat, particularly out someplace like an ancient salt lake just ripples over a landscape barren of form to navigate by. Things do seem to shimmer in the air. You add a little bit of dehydration, a bit of over exposure with all that light of course you're likely to see some things.

But mirages aren't specifically those delusions or our eyes just playing tricks on us. 100 years ago you could see entire alpine mountain scenes shimmering in the desert. This wasn't a hallucination- it was a reflection. When the air quality decreased, when pollution increased that reality disappeared. I wasn't born in a desert, so my only understanding of them growing up came from movies or books that generally described lost or fleeing adventurers. Here in New Mexico those reflections could be seen as recently as the 1960s. When I read about this and understood my mistaken idea about where those images in the deserts came from, I was confused. How can an understanding of something change so much only a couple of decades from my lifetime? These could still be seen in my Mother and my Grandmothers lifetimes.

Humans alter the environment. They also alter how they perceive that environment. In a way I almost wish I didn't know about the reflections. Deserts were only recently recognized here in the USA as something more than land that needs to be fixed and reclaimed. Now I know more of what's been lost. And so awesome a thing. From miles away to see a reflection of a landscape totally different. It's an outdoor movie I'll never see and a meaning for a word I have no basis to understand.

Romance & Security

2011-03-26T03:21:00.003-04:00

There is something peculiar about many fantasy/futuristic/alternate universe romances. A large portion of them create entire worlds, specific species, or portions of societies that are protective of women in the extreme. Maybe an initial understanding of the phenomenon is that women are being pigeonholed into very patriarchal societies. That they belong sequestered away from the rest of the world lest they come to harm. That women are dainty little misses who can't face reality or caring for themselves.

Some of them are certainly that way, and they do make you want to tear your hair out. Christine Feehan, Lucy Monroe, Lora Leigh... and on and on. Part of that could just be fetish, which I'm down for. But the larger portion seems to be different. Works like those of Mima, Kresley Cole and Nalini Singh also create those worlds, but they don't seem to envision them for the purpose of setting up women as weaker. It's almost like female authors find domestic violence, sexual assault, human trafficking and so on to be of such concern that in the majority of the romance novels in these genres explicitly create safe spaces for women. The trend seems even more pronounced in the more erotic categories (though the paranormal/futuristic genres are generally more sexually explicit than their more traditional counterparts) and is reflected quite often in the tamer historical and contemporary romances. It is something that is emphasized in mainstream and fetish works.

I wonder if it is because we as women feel so unsafe? That though violence against women is rarely prioritized by governments, championed by the public, or listed in polls as the most pressing concern -- that it is. Romance novels reflect a lot about how women perceive themselves and their position in the world. There are beautiful women who can exceed all expectations, extra curvy women who can be found beautiful, women who can make a difference and earn respect for themselves, women who can orgasm every time or be interested in sex after a bad day, who can be badass mercenaries with tender hearts... on and on. In romance women are both what they want to be, and what they are. Nowhere is patriarchy and misogyny more enshrined or more reviled. And the enduring theme outside of all the romance is safety. Somewhere out there is a champion to protect them, a society that finds violence against women so repugnant that the consequences are beyond severe, or a genetic modification in men that prevents taking someone against their will.. Fiction is fiction, but we read it because it's giving us something we want or need.

Statistically speaking, One in four women in the USA will have experienced domestic violence in their lifetime. Three in four will know someone who has. The health related costs of intimate partner violence is in the billions. One in Five women will admit to having been raped within their lifetimes. One in twelve women will have been stalked and 78% of stalking victims are women. And 70% of women trafficked worldwide are trafficked into the sex industry. 80% of trafficked victims are women and girls.

Those numbers sound horrible and shocking because they are, but they aren't new or even dramatically shocking to most people. They've heard some of them, or could imagine them to be true. 55% of all the paperbacks sold in the USA in 2004 were romances. I guess it's nice to read your soft porn and feel safe at the same time since the real world is fraught with genuine terrors. I didn't realize how much I relied on that sense of protection and safety I found when reading them until I thought about it. Maybe other women feel the same way.

Where period and modern Romance help us understand changes in religion

2010-12-19T22:18:00.006-05:00

God-talk just isn't an interesting way to frame our questions. It's past time to say we need much larger ways of framing our "ultimate concerns." If we observe the deeply random nature of our lives and our world/universe, we're saying that we can make plans or wishes, but they have no effect except psychologically in our heads, and sociologically/anthropologically in two other ways of speaking about human nature, the human condition, and the nature of our best shot at reality. But to translate this into religious jargon, we're stuck with, "Sometimes God favors us, sometimes not." That's inadequate because it's assigning attributes to a concept. And God has evolved from an ancient "Being" to a modern concept. Now we need to leave jargon behind and invite people and disciplines to the ongoing discussion on the condition that they just speak in ordinary language: plain talk.

Otherwise, the "Yes or No" problem will have us standing there forever, tugging this Big Red Switch toward Yes or No -- without realizing that the Switch isn't connected to anything in our world: it's a linguistic ornament.

I read this in the comments section of this abominable article and I found it really powerful. I don't think it would occur to a lot of believers that someone could conceive of not understanding the world without their gods framework. My sister pointed out that most believers would balk at the "that's inadequate because it's assigning attributes to a concept. and God has evolved from an ancient Being to a modern concept" bit.

Modern religion likes to imagine that several hundred years ago people approached their faith in a similar fashion.
Hilariously, I can illustrate this with romance novels.

In Jennette Greens "The Commanders' Desire" faith in god is touched upon several times in the story. It dictates strictures of society, and evokes very poignant moments for the characters in times of strife. In her modern inspirational romance however... the christian character is a shallow annoying person who thinks in bible verses and has to pray and repent because she doesn't want a short husband.
ie... in days of yore, faith just was like farming. it happened.
Today, you have to work really hard to be pious and shit. The basic concerns of religion have evolved and it makes for really annoying romances. For serious. Do not read them. Jennette Green is a skilled writer (somewhat rare for the genre) but inspirational is a misnomer. There is more genuineness in smut shorts.

persuasion

2010-12-19T21:37:00.004-05:00

A few days ago I wished a woman Happy Christmas. I work in customer service, so I say a great number of salutatory things as a day progresses. I mix it up as the day wears on because I get bored saying the same thing over and over and over... This woman just happened on the Happy Christmas. She told me that she was glad that I had said Christmas, and she gets terribly offended when people wish her Happy Holidays.

As a nonbeliever.. I don't profess a faith and certainly don't prefer the Christian persuasion. I wanted very badly to point out to her that it's damned unfair for me to have to cater to her faith, when she certainly (by dint of being offended by holidays) isn't willing to cater to my lack. I don't mind wishing people a Happy Christmas/Hanukkah,Diwali, Ramadan, and so on. I'm totally cool with hoping you get the most out of things that are important to you.

A lady in the grocery store stopped me to tell me how glad she was it was morning, and that just x number of years ago she couldn't walk or speak. I told her I was impressed with her personal diligence, and commented on the incredible effort she must have made to attain speech and mobility again. She told me no, it was all god. She was determined that her misfortune, and then her incredible perseverance should persuade me.

I don't like to be persuaded. Let me explain. I've been to the sort of churches where everything from light to sound to structure of service is tweaked to make a human mind more receptive to very specific sorts of experiences. I understand very clearly the pressures that believers put on non believers until they succumb. If you have to tell me something in an excellently modulated voice with lighting and effects to back you.. if you're relying on making an emotional connection... or calling on my sense of family or duty and and and... I step back.

I recently began reading a book called "The Christian Delusion: Why Faith Fails" and I can't seem to get out of the third chapter. Most reads explaining atheism and whys are straightforward. (and sometimes incendiary) This book tries to persuade. Slowly but surely, the book works to make the reader doubt themselves before ever tackling the actual questions. I'm uncomfortable reading it. Their points on personal experience and cognitive dissonance are not incorrect. I was stuck in the trappings of religion for a brief few years and what brought me out of it was not persuasion. It was literally realizing that the default nothing was an option, and that there was logic and reason. My religious wrangling ended the moment I was able to lay my genuine ethical struggles to rest. The point though, is that religion persuades. It has to because it is built upon an ever changing house of cards reaching out to an ever changing potential flock. In todays world, religion does not rule as it once did and persuasion is all it has.

I find the case for non belief most compelling. I do not find it persuasive. Persuasion relies less on fact and more on convincing. Just like religion.

side note: my second favorite Jane Austen novel is Persuasion!

Priests don't deserve respect. Stop getting their quotes.

2010-10-25T12:26:00.007-04:00

"I think it's the right decision," a local parish priest, Don Paulo Cecere, told the Cronache di Napoli newspaper. "It's also a way of combating the rise in sexual harassment."

Essentially, this priest thinks that the proposed law change to disalow miniskirts, low cut jeans, and other "revealing" clothing will help cut back on sexual harassment. Should we poll the priesthood? See if it helps them keep their hands off of little children if we cover them up extra in altar robes?

That... is all kinds of sick. The fact that the BBC is using that quote here makes me angry. It's absurd enough that an EU nation has a place doing that. Printing that sort of view without some sort of caveat or perhaps mention of the absolute nonesense that it is to BLAME women for being sexually harassed based on their clothing choices...

It just made me mad. The end. Sexual Harassment in case anybody wondered? Is the problem of the one who DOES it. Not the victim.

Diary of a Waitress: Sexual Harassment

2010-09-03T22:22:00.005-04:00

Sexual Harassment in the workplace is a lot more than the actual physical harassment most people imagine. It's the scheduling that goes against you, the coincidently forgotten hours on your paycheck, the bizarre demands, and the intimidation. Clear discrepancies in treatment of one employee to another arise. The employee that smiles and pretends to be friends with the boss is rewarded with better, more frequent shifts, gifts or incentives deliberately given in front of the other employee....

It's all about power. One of the jobs I work is an industry where sexual harassment is endemic. Every waitress I know has encountered it from management, owners, other employees, or the customers. Waitresses are easily replaced, and complaints made by them are rarely acted upon if it's from lower down in the chain, and if it's the owner of a non chain restaurant, or small chain who is doing the harassing... that's pretty much the end of the line.

I've worked at this restaurant for 6 years now, largely seasonally as I was away at university half of the year. Until I graduated and failed to find a job in my field right away, I never experienced this problem at this job. (though I was often groped by a chef at another restaurant I worked at years ago) I guess I appeared more vulnerable. I was short on cash, and couldn't run back off the college. Other waitresses had had issues with the owner for years, some I was aware of, some not. It started small... standing too close, brushing against me often, touching more public areas of my body like my arm more frequently than necessary. I would become stiff and move away. As the touching progressed, I started to mention things like having a boyfriend, not liking to be touched, preferences for a bit of personal space. Finally, after a particularly large incident, I pulled him aside for a talk. I explained that I couldn't keep working for him if he continued, that it really bothered me. He reacted as though shocked. Said he thought I had cried because I didn't feel well, that he was just "Italian" and was very touchy, had never meant to overstep. That of course he would stop, and that it was all a misunderstanding.

For several weeks, he was deliberately very normal and all physical overtures on his part stopped. Then slowly the same things began starting again. He would mask it as trying to be playing. Just wanted to tease, just wanted to spray water onto my white shirt, was just trying to be a friend. I smiled and bore it because I needed the money. Then on a Friday night he poured water over my head and shoulders, and started to rub the water in onto my chest. I flung a pitcher of ice water into his face and stood there angrily. he stormed off, demanding that I mop up the mess. The next week, I was off the schedule entirely, with the direction that it might be good for me not to work. For the few weeks following to that I was given one shift a week. When I asked for my paycheck (he doesn't follow the law and have a regular payday) he shorted me by 5 hours.He would be extravagantly nice to the other waitresses while I was watching. When I caught him at it, he pretended it was a mistake. Tonight, we seemed to exist in general harmony. no touching, just getting the job done. Until closing. The chef (who is now acting as a dishwasher as well, but that's another story) was washing some things while I was taking apart the drink machine. I got him a refill of water, when he requested one, since his hands were occupied. On the way to set his glass down, I passed the owner, smoking and standing around. I then took apart the machine, washed the parts and put them into scalding water where they remain all night. He stormed up and demanded that I get him a drink.(this is not a regular required task) I point out that the parts are in very hot water, couldn't we use the other faucet. He then tried to charge me for my drink (the waitstaff and other employees get drinks for free during work) and was furious at me. The other waitress came over and helped me fish out the machine parts and got him a glass of water. Who knows if I'll be on the schedule next week.

Standing up for yourself in this situation causes you a lot more trouble. When you report the problem, the authorities recommend that you continue to go to work. Another girl who worked here in the past tried to report it and was told that. She was a single mother with 2 children. She ended up not being able to afford that accusation and was out of work for months. Her children are now living with their fathers away from her.

Every task I perform, every moment on the clock for me there is altered. The owner wants me to smile and act as though he is my friend. Act as though it's not a problem when he does something incredibly wrong. And he'll be a bully until he gets it. I intend to report the problem when i move on, in the hopes that for the next girl who comes along, it will give weight to her story. In the meantime, I'm in a really rough limbo. Do I keep going to work? How do I restrain my emotions? It's really great that he's stopped touching. But the ensuing struggle is awful. I dread work almost more than before.

Sexual Harassment at work is not just the part where they touch you, and say inappropriate things. It's the part where you reject them, and they retaliate every step of the way. It's the fear lent by unstable living situations that locks my coworkers into an endless cycle of bearing it, but ducking and dodging the owner all the way. I know it's not my fault it happened. I didn't ask for it, I was clear on wanting it to stop. But knowing that doesn't really make it better. And it certainly doesn't pay school loans.

life after graduation

2010-05-10T17:36:00.003-04:00

I'm looking for a job along with millions of other university students. I'm wondering though, if this isn't a more optimal time to continue education, rather than floundering in side jobs where I spend half my time fending off sexual harassment, and the other half twiddling my thumbs as the boss retaliates by taking away shifts.

So, I could try taking a few courses at community college. I could go back for a second degree. I could go to graduate school or law school.

As I sit down to write yet another cover letter to a job that will probably not even bother to notify me that they don't care to take me on board, I think about these things more.

sexual perception

2009-11-10T13:02:00.003-05:00

Most of the time I think sex is an important part of relationships. I think it's a valuable form of intimacy and fosters sharing more of yourself with your partner. But often in the back of my head niggling problems are running around.

I've spent my whole life in a culture that holds my sexuality to be the most important part of me. I want the person I love to love and want me for more than a sexual being. I don't want them to deny that part of me or attempt to stifle it. I want to learn to be as open in my sex life as I am in other areas. I want to satisfy my partner and myself. But I want very much more for the value of my companionship to be weighed and wanted. I don't want a sexual relationship and the rest in name only. I don't want sexuality to be what I'm judged on.

So I have two sets of fears and problems. The first is that I'm afraid I am little more than my sexuality to my partner. That they don't want my company and input and care unless it's in one form, or conforms to their current wants. This could be hypersensitivity. I'm so frustrated with other people having done this to me all my life that I'm mistaking my partners attempts to be honest and open about their sexuality as a judgment on mine. The second fear is that I'm sabotaging my relationship with hypersensitivity and that the values that are so impressed into me (anathema to who I am and want to be) are preventing me from having the sort of sexual relationship I want. And hurting the other parts of my relationship as a consequence.

Society has some really fucked up ideas about sexuality and women. It poisons everything.. even when you've personally moved out the realm of absurd religious beliefs where the woman is a fallen creature who can only find redemption in her husband, or a girls only worth is in her 'chastity'. It creeps back in because you're taught at once that your sexuality is dirty and wrong, and at the same time it's the only thing glorified in popular culture. I can personally escape the first with some time and effort. The shaming and guilt meets my sense of self worth and understanding and bounces right off. I can't get away from the part where my body and interest in sex is the only reason someone would want to 'love' me.

dictionary please

2009-11-02T20:11:00.002-05:00

I'm really not certain that Maggie Gallagher knows what empirical means after watching this. Oh well.. in several generations this is how I think it will play out based on how I feel! If not for having to run around the country trying to build discrimination further into our law, she'd fit in well with Answers in Genesis.

North Carolina won't be holding election for state wide officials tomorrow, but will be holding municipal elections! They are important too! VOTE.

bad day

2009-11-02T14:36:00.001-05:00

I'm alternating between headache, stomach pains, and a fever. And apparently things I've forgotten.

ow.

vegetarian

2009-10-29T20:23:00.002-04:00

There are a lot of great reasons to be vegetarian. Maybe you feel it's inhumane to eat meat, or that the production process is. Maybe you just don't like meat. (yes some of us don't) But probably the most compelling is the damage that it does to our planet and the human cost.

Make sure you watch the video!

I've been vegetarian for 12 years now, but I still occasionally eat fish because it keeps my relatives happy. I'm considering discontinuing this due to the damage commercial fishing causes.

Mr Suave Pumpkin

2009-10-28T20:14:00.000-04:00

This is the LOVE PUMPKIN! We are good friends.

raindrops

2009-10-27T19:39:00.002-04:00

I love torrential rainstorms at nighttime. It always reminds me of being surrounded by shattering glass and mercury. When I went for a walk tonight in the rain, instead of just becoming uniformly soaked...

A giant, big, fat raindrop goes SPLOOSH right between my eyes and all over my nose.
This decreased the magical feeling just a teeny bit.

round up!

2009-10-21T13:24:00.002-04:00

Better be naturally perky in Somalia or you'll be whipped.

Children are being killed because of churches labeling them as witches.

These people probably just missed the memo of how the church and religion are forces for good in the world. No worries.

Oh, and this is a great idea for Halloween!

Mishmash, God, & Comments

2009-10-15T21:55:00.003-04:00

We all get told shit that isn't true, but we believe anyway. In my case, I believed that my sister was better than me because she was 4 while I was only 3. She told me this at the same time she informed me she was a Christian. Being 4 must have seemed more realistically attainable as I honed in on that. I wanted to be 4 so badly so that I could be as good as she was.

It's a fleeting memory from my childhood that I doubt my sister remembers. The point is children easily believe things. Small children live in a world of naughty and well behaved. They understand not living up to the expectations of a parent and the spanking or time out that comes after. How easy is it to tell someone with an unformed brain in a closed environment that God or Santa exists. Somebody your parents tell you exists and is watching how you behave.

Most people who profess a faith profess the same faith as their parents. Believing in a god is easy for them because it was concept introduced quite early, and readily reinforced. You think Islam sounds weird to you? Muslims are still trying to get over the fact that the largest sect of Christians EAT their god in the form of a small cracker.

My last post got commented on by an "abraham" I've never met or heard of. They went on about their special savior forgiving all while ignoring the issue that rape victims are often vilified while rapists are often easily forgiven- their crime passed off as a lapse in judgment or under the auspices of an altered personality or heart.

To be clear for the future... I don't believe in any sort of divine being. I don't care how you wrangle that your special friend forgives or doesn't. If you're willing to address things like how women are affected by purity myths being crammed down their throats, or how victims of rape are treated as a result of pervasive obsession with virginity/purity and often blamed for their rapes then I'm happy to hear from you. I'd love to hear how in your own Christian community you address that. Otherwise... go home. You believe in magical beings and talk to them frequently. There's no need to expand on how you dress your imaginary being in characteristics.
ta.

God Forgives Rape

2009-03-22T21:13:00.003-04:00

Just recently there was a story in the news about a little girl who was raped by her father and then required an abortion. The Catholic Church excommunicated her mother and the doctors who were involved. But the man who raped her still has a chance to get into heaven.

This summer I went to a shoddily put on play of In His Steps. While they not only performed a rather traumatic rape scene and aftermath without warning or rating (there were little kids in the audience, I'm 22 and didn't want to see it either) but they performed the play in obvious sympathy to the rapist. Lets break it down. The rapist had done it to other women. He did it multiple times to the woman depicted in the play. His character is not only cast sympathetically, but in the end of the play he takes a bullet for the good pastor and all is forgiven and he is redeemed. Everyone says he will go to heaven.

I want to know why there is automatic forgiveness for this. In my eyes, there is no middle ground, no saving grace, and certainly no remorse felt afterwards will in anyway undo the harm. Why is it that our society is so inclined to forgive this crime? Things like raping a woman while she is drugged or drunk and passed out can be passed off as a lapse in judgement, the foibles of youth.
It is at once strange that this society so values purity and crams it down every little girls throat, but is happy to condemn her for being raped (it was your fault, you shouldn't have been drinking, running at night, on that side of town, alone with a man you didn't know well...) and even happier to forgive the rapist. Guilt does not assuage the crime. Telling a god you're sorry does not wipe away your crime. If you think it can, ask a victim.

prelude to romance part II

2009-02-23T22:20:00.002-05:00

"Romantica® doesn't begin from the premise that women's sexual experiences are dirty and therefore in need of being perfumed up by flowery phrases. The premise of Romantica™ is that women's sexual experiences are legitimate, positive, and beautiful."

One of the reasons I like to (when I have money) buy ebooks from Elloras Cave Romantica Publishing is that statement above.

Another reason? (and for some reason this quote keeps screwing up into arial) We also publish EXOTIKA™, our line of quality erotica for women. These stories focus on a woman’s sexual journey or adventures. Although they may contain a romance, they do not have to include that as the primary focus, the relationship does not need to be monogamous or end with commitment.
What can I say, I like uplifting smut.
Another post on paranormal mainstream Kresley Cole's latest and some random thoughts coming soon!

Spinning

2009-02-04T19:54:00.002-05:00

I am not a fan of spinning. My thighs are all achy and I am convinced that I have had lower impact sex. Bike seats are terrible and not my friend. They aren't yours either.

I'm so overloaded with homework for the next week and a half that I might hide and die. Papers, research proposals, a stupid health and wellness project, and a test. Then there's Chinese....

Eugh

Virginity, Purity, & Cultures of Shame

2009-02-04T12:19:00.003-05:00

This story has gotten some play and writing in various places but the discussion about it seems to center on how evil this woman was to do the things she did. And there is no doubt the woman is rotten to the core. Having women raped so that they can be recruited as suicide bombers because nothing else will alleviate the shame is.. beyond awful.

But what mechanism would give her the foothold in the minds of these women? The culture does. The religion does. When your worth is based on your virginity it's rather easy to tell a woman there's nothing else for it, to absolve the terrible sin of being brutally attacked, you're just going to have to kill yourself and take out some other people with you.

And we in the western world can't just point and shake our heads at it. We have that same insidious vein running through how we view women. Why is it that in a trial to convict the rapist, the character of the victim is questioned? Has she slept around before? Maybe she reads books where there are situations of dubious consent. In other words, it's probably her fault. And in all cases it's something to be ashamed of.

Why can't more women admit to being raped? There is the huge element of it being such a traumatic experience that you don't want to discuss it. But there's also the element of knowing how people will see you once they know. They are so sorry it happened, and pity you. But what are they more sorry for. They might even feel compelled to tell you that God wont hold it against you. And maybe fictional sky daddy wont.. but they certainly will. They're sorry you can't give yourself to your husband pure. They're sorry you've been tarnished, brought down by sin. It might not have been your sin, but you get slime from it anyway.

And maybe I'm not explaining this well.. but you know when you tell someone in our culture that they are going to see it as something taken from you. No.. not the choice, no not the joy and freedom and sense of self or feelings of security.. no they took sex from you. The rapist took something that made you a better person. Maybe your virginity.. or maybe just your faithfulness to someone else.

And that's why it's so important to remove the element of shame. That's why we shouldn't put the character of the victim on trial. That's why when we teach about sex in schools we shouldn't talk about virginity and purity like they give you worth. (they will however give you STIs when you know nothing about safe sex)

Don't tell me it's understandable for a victim to feel ashamed. That's not a result of the violence, that's the result of the violence of our culture against women. (or indeed against men who have been raped) Our antiquated ideals are hurting people. And if we want to excuse them.. just look to the women who would rather be martyrs than live as someone who had been raped. Mind.. they might not have lived anyway with the whole honour killing thing.

In the end.. what needs to go is the entire concept of virginity and purity. They are and always have been methods of hateful control. The problems from these concepts are vivid in the stories of these Iraqi women. But they are just as easily found closer to home. Lets kick these ideas to the curb. (and then run them over a few times)

Someone slap Israel please?

2009-01-05T23:24:00.004-05:00

Dear Gaza and your missile ridden population,
I'm terribly sorry my country so deliberately failed you in the UN Security Council. What's happening is a terrifying humanitarian crisis and it's so awful that Israel is trying to keep western media out so they won't look quite so brutish and not be seen as the very violent and uncaring aggressor. I'm mostly sorry my country won't back off the support for the authoritarian theocracy that is Israel and her not so friendly actions to the people who Israel the physical country actually should belong to. I'm also sorry that Europe felt guilty for the Holocaust and stole someone elses country to assuage the guilt.
A very concerned US citizen who wishes she could help.

This conflict brings out the frequent pathology of American politics. Unblinking support of Israel despite the human cost all for a religious myth. The argument that we must support allies and democracies in the middle east do not hold up under the actions undertaken by the Israeli state. It is as much a theocracy as Iran, possibly more. The only difference is that it may undertake harmful operations with impunity because of good pal Christian USA.

New Clothing Brand

2009-01-04T00:40:00.003-05:00

Kanye wears Jesus and I might vomit from not eating today. Eugh.

I went and saw Milk with Jared tonight. On one hand I think films like it are so important about reminding people that there is in fact and has been a struggle for basic rights. On the other hand the film looked at a terribly and openly violent period against homosexuals and sort of... glossed over. We're told in the movie that they the gay community hate the police and that crimes that happen could have been committed by the police. But it's done in a very offhand manner and there really isn't a connection with the viewer of the regular abuse that happened. I'm not sure really.
It was still a very well done movie and I was really glad I went to see it.

A is for Applesauce!

2008-12-12T14:26:00.001-05:00

*squeals and runs all over the place* ok, 2 As and 1 A- so far. Come on 4th A!

I want sleep more than.. anything I have ever wanted in my life. This mental celebration alone is exhausting me. Time to pack!

exam week

2008-12-07T12:54:00.001-05:00

Have you ever noticed that when you are the most panicked, you feel the most calm?
I review my notes frantically in my head while outwardly brushing my teeth in a chill manner. Nerves? No such thing.

Poor Abused Christian Soliders

2008-11-30T20:42:00.004-05:00

So on November 14 a Christian group went into the Castro district to do what they normally did, convert and fix gay people. Still smarting from prop 8 passing there was quite a riot. Despite a growing angry crowd calling for them to leave, they chose to stay. Certainly their free speech is protected and they have the right to assemble peaceably. Finally riot police came and escorted them from the neighborhood with the crowd following and demanding angrily that "bigots get out of the castro."

I believe very much in freedom of speech and assembly. However, there is something very personal about going to someones home neighborhood and telling them they lead a sinful lifestyle and are going to hell. Personally, I think telling people this should be considered harassment. It is hateful. I grew up in a fundamentalist sect of the Christian evangelical church. (a cult basically) and the church often advocated doing prayer marches or worship sessions in what they considered to be less godly neighborhoods. I wish a difference could be drawn between expressing a viewpoint and attempting to convert people to a religion in an abrasive manner. This group knew and acknowledges in their statement that they were going into an especially tense situation. Though they claim their meeting had nothing to do with the campaign for yes on proposition 8, they do not deny that they support it. They claim to be loving, but they seem calllous to the hurt they inflict. They claim they love these people, but this doesn't sound like they love them. They make themselves out like martyrs when in reality they are a hate group. Yes, such darkness in castro.... beseiged by evil and sin.

What I'm really angry at is the news coverage of the event. The Christians are being persecuted Oh NO! Christians have this weird delusion that they are persecuted. Bill-O interviews one of the girls in this thuggish attack by the rabid gays. But if he's so concerned with persecution.. what about all the hate crimes committed against the LGBT community? There are murders, bashings, rapes, hateful messages and more that happen across the country. In fact.. in some states you can still kill poeple and get away with it as long as you claim "gay panic" or whatever. So a hateful old lady got her cross stomped on. So a group was chased out of a gay district after trying to cure them of their gayness... Somehow I'm not seeing christians as being persecuted here. Maybe I'm just blind.

And yeah,, I'm angry at the Christian group that went in there. Fuck you yeah?

tag:(

2008-11-20T21:03:00.006-05:00

So Susannah tagged me twice now.. this is the last time I'll ever do this:P

Rules
-Complete meme and post.
-Email the person who tagged you to let them know it’s up.
-Tag 5 others and email/comment to tell them so.

5 things I was doing 10 years ago:

-I was chess club champion
-I was building things out of small plastic strips in Science Olympiad
-I wore all my t-shirts tucked in because I thought it made me look high class and responsible
-I discovered William Faulkner
-I ran barefoot up the road for no good reason

5 things on my To-Do List Today

-Write a paper with inferrences using primary sources from 17th century dutch crime records. This is problematic as they have sentencing no one understands.. like "execution by decapitation, life long ban from the area"
-Find and return all library books
-Work on presentation for my international relations class
-Wash teapot, make tea, repeat
-attend nighttime special lecture by favorite professor.

5 snacks I love:

-pita chips and lemon hummus
-apple sauce
-insert type of cookie
-goldfish
-carrots and peanut butter

5 things I would do if I were a millionaire

-Plane tickets. lots and lots. I would drag my grandma and sister along.
-Buy more books.
-Aquire a really little car!
- Pay off school loans for myself and siblings.
-Have an awesome budget for christmas presents.

5 places I’ve lived:

-Chapel Hill, NC
-Burlington, NC
-Cullowhee, NC
-Nantahala, NC
-Hartford, Tennessee

5 jobs I’ve had:

-Tutor/student mentor at Cherokee Center
-Librarian
-Hostess/Waitress
-Assistant manager UPS Store
-Student intern for the Barack Obama Campaign

And finally it's done. No more tagging:( evil evil evil

Feeling Godless? Raise Your Hand.

2008-11-07T10:19:00.002-05:00

Bigotry seems to be abounding this election time. This beauty is just icing on the cake.

In the NC Senate race Elizabeth Dole worked the angle that her opponent Kay Hagan was an atheist and or took money from atheists. Since it did seem to be working, Kay Hagan came back with ads saying Dole was attacking her faith and not being a good Christian. What Dole did was reprehensible... but Hagan didn't raise the bar. She didn't say that our citizenship is not won or lost by our faith or lack of it. She didn't point out that using non-belief as slander is offensive and wrong and extremely divisive.

Dear Kay Hagan,
I supported and voted for you. I canvassed on campus to get votes for you. I am a godless American. Please don't forget that I am also one of your constituents, and that you should also be standing for me and everyone else in North Carolina.. not just the Christians.
sincerely and feeling a bit spurned..
a voter.

Tuesday Thursday woes.

2008-11-06T10:30:00.005-05:00

My lovely gel pack that I heat and sleep with has died. It accidently was impaled on a plug, and all its' glorious heat giving goo gushed out and away.
Bedtime just isn't the same.

I'm really sad today. I know that the memo is to get up and keep working, but even with all that was won on Tuesdady night.. we as people still lost. Even in California the disgusting and discriminatory measures to ban marriage for everyone were passed.

But I can only imagine how people feel in Arkansas. If you've already adopted or are fostering.. does this mean they will come and take the children away now?

I hate religion so much. I wish sometimes that Christians in this country could be told no.. you can't get married. no you can't have children. No you're wrong and disgusting and offensive. Not forever.. just for a day so that they'd be a little less likely the next to force their bigoted views on everyone.

Overdose and Romance Novels

2008-10-30T21:36:00.005-04:00

So tonight a squeaking moment away from election day I'm going to air a pet peeve. STOP referring to states as being rich in electoral votes. No really. They aren't vitamins. I understand there are various uses for the phrase, but the tone the pundits give makes me want to pop myself a bottle of Ohio.

On another note... Romance novels. There is a strange trend for "strong, independant, totally kick ass" sort of women in them. Well, that's how they are described anyway. Oddly, these fictional women aren't. Lets take one of the worst authors in this mess. Christine Feehan always describes her lead females as the above sort. She sets them up early on in the book for one line zingers against the sexy all powerful males and then it just rides downhill. Any powers these women have are of the nurture variety. They can heal people, heal the earth, sing pretty and soothe... you get the picture. Any contribution they make is at a cost to the man. He gets hurt trying to protect them from some silly idea like saving kittens. (ok they were dragons, but you get the picture)
Now Feehan sets it up so there is a struggle. She pays lipservice to oh just because you're a big he-man doesn't mean I should listen to you. Yet these smart saavy women always want to do things that are dangerous and unreasonable and the man must rush in to save them from their folly. They will inevitably end with the characters acting like the man has changed his arrogant ways and no longer wishes to control the woman. Where and when this happens in the books I've never seen. Oh, that and all these amazing gifts and strengths of these women? Enhanced and or transferred from the men. Oh, and that great healing capacity? The special race of people have a master healer. It's a man.
One more thing about Feehan and her characters. In several of her Dark Series books, the sexual situations are very dubious. (actually most) In one the main male character violently rapes the woman who then immediately proceeds to forgive him, and blame herself for the attack. (oh I'm so selfish, making him wait this long, look what I've driven this poor misunderstood man to...) While most are not quite so blatant, the others always involve the women succumbing to a sort of magical connection which forces them to feel lust for the man. Said man will always push the situation long before the woman cares anything for them, and the woman is incapable of denying them. Oh, and if the women don't have sex with them and let the man dictate their lives? The men could lose their souls... oh tragedy.

So what do I get out of this aside from the obvious. Well, it's not just Christine Feehan who does this. She does it a lot more vividly and poorly written than most, but she isn't alone on the market. What comes out is something that scares and almosts cows me a bit. There is a strong amazing woman who really isn't that. Even if she has all the goods- intelligent, quick, witty, charming.. you name it she has it.. she needs the guy to make important things happen and even more so to validate herself. I think the cheesy western style romances where the woman defies everyone to marry the local tribesman is more appealing. Heads up, romance trash.

On a bright note, not all are like this. There are a couple of romance authors who write the kick ass woman, and make her real. One such is Kresley Cole. They are well written as romances go, but I give them major thumbs up for the storyline. These women are sharp and witty and downright deadly. They come in a world where just as often as they are equal in power to men, they are more powerful. The playing field seems a lot more equal. But when she makes the stories about them, she addresses their character flaws on both male and female sides. She doesn't ever make her female characters kowtow to anyones will, and they make decisions with self respect. One of the crowning passages of her first book in the immortals series is when the king says "oh it must be my blood that's made you so much stronger and more able to deal with things."(roughly that anyhow) and is shown to be a total ass for it by explaining how actually having life experiences and making decisions for herself as a worthwhile person helped her to kill the vampire king, not anything the slimy other king offered. Kresley Cole is by no means perfect, but I'd much rather her view of what an powerful woman is than Feehans..

Romance is a lousy genre. But we read it. (We don't admit to it, but you know you do) But the next time you read one to pass the time or get a feel good ending or whatever reason you read them... pay attention. In an article I recently read in The Rolling Stone there was a piece on Duke and the lacrosse players and sex. Oddly, most women on that campus who weren't ethnic or a declared feminist apparently said well she was a stripper. So it's more ok to rape a stripper? So a stripper is no longer a victim of a heinous crime but instead helped cause it? And that's why I wrote this absurdly wrong post. Because we read the same ideas. Because there is this strange pretend woman who can do everything, who in reality needs the man. Who is reality is to blame for her own rape. Well.. I use reality loosely. I never realized they were called trashy novels for the stinking cesspit of "womanly ideals" they force upon you as opposed to the annotated soft porn. Hurrah.

This is America

2008-10-21T11:48:00.003-04:00

So yesterday morning my campus woke up and saw this.

So far we've had posters and flyers torn down around campus, a trash can through Obama headquarters window, "morality day" and now a dead black bear with Obama signs stapled on. I'm not certain if it should be taken as a racial problem, or if's partly a result to the robocalling that calls Senator Obama a terrorist.

Maybe we can blame ACORN for this one. Some people make fake registrations that would never go through and so clearly the election will have fraudulent voters. Maybe by intimidating and hurting real voters, things will even out.

I think I'll spend an extra hour making phone calls today.

Update: This is my schools official response to the incident.
This was an outrageous, despicable act that does not exemplify the type of discourse all of us have the right to expect in a civil and enlightened society. This type of behavior is simply inappropriate.
We are treating it as a very serious matter, and university police are working in complete cooperation with state and federal authorities, including the State Bureau of Investigation and the Secret Service. We ask that anyone who has any information about the person or persons responsible for this act contact Tom Johnson, the University?s Chief of Police, at (828) 227-7301.

I really hope they find them.

Songs of aeroplane in my head

2008-10-21T08:24:00.002-04:00

Life is a confusing maze of failures and dissapointments. Sometimes it very much seems that ground lost will never be regained. It's very easy to wipe away accomplishments, much easier than it was to make them.

I am very tired today.

Bad days are like fat calories you can't shed.

2008-09-26T13:43:00.002-04:00

This week has been hard and awful. Things went wrong right and left and I'm left feeling so tired and discouraged.

Here's hoping the debate tonight and washing with my special white chocolate and honey soap will perk me up.

Palin, Mumpower, and lipservice to values.

2008-09-22T11:53:00.003-04:00

MSNBC speaks a bit about Sarah Palin and religion. For more reasons why this woman is terrifying, read Greta Christina on Blowfish.
There's a lot of focus on Palin right now. She certainly managed to yank attention from Senator Obama. It's neccessary to air her ills and explain just why she's one off the worst picks for VP out there. It's more neccessary though to be talking actual policy. As a student intern for the Barack Obama Campaign I sometimes feel like I'm having to replace media coverage. The average person in the area seems to have heard little more than a soundbyte and maybe some smears. I still get the occasional person who is convinced he's muslim for instance. (it offends me greatly that we're typecasting muslims as negative here, but there you go)
Work for the campaign lately has hit the fire a bit. We had someone throw a trashcan through our headquarters window. (ruined the gorgeously painted hope circle in the process:( ) We get people on the phones who say they wish Obama was dead, or that they could kill him. And that's all very disturbing, but what gets me is the talk of values. The meanest, most vehement opposers to Senator Obama believe that the Democratic Party is devoid of values. That no one in the party could possibly exemplify an ethical perspective.

That was really confusing to me at first, but I think I'm beginningg to understand why. Dr Mumpower (a candidate for the house seat in the 11th district of NC) visited one of my classes and campus last week. Every question he took, he answered with values. He spoke of his concern for the high school drop out rate. Since drop out rates are heavily associated with teen pregnancy I asked him what he proposed to do to fix our sexual education program. He answered by saying that only values could fix those problems, and until those values were re-imprinted onto society, we were going to be plagued by these ills. (I'm paraphrasing, but that's what he said in less than a page) And I thought about that and his other answers for a bit and realized they left me feeling very empty. Every time you asked him for a specific he answered with values. I still don't know what values except he claims to always stand by them and that they are christian in nature. I hate to be a buzz kill, but Christianity has an extremely wide range of values. That is somewhat evidenced above in the clip about Sarah Palin, but it goes a good bit beyond that. Values are not policy. They are not even guidelines. They don't tell me what you plan to do as a candidate, and they certainly don't tell me that you're the one for the job. Making ethical choices is important. But values dont equal ethics. Values so far as I can see are just buzzwords. You might get slightly less vague and say these values cause you to support such and such cause. Your values don't make a cause right. And until you enumerate the damn values, and let us know what they entail and what they will cause you to do... stop running on the things.

That got off topic.. point is.. one party touts values. We're not sure what those values are, or that the party is following them.. but whatever they are.. that party has them, and the other party who doesn't say "value" every 3 words must be lacking.

A Lazy Tuesday Afternoon

2008-09-02T16:14:00.004-04:00

Another awesome reason to vote for Barack Obama :
"I will restore the basic principle that government decisions should be based on the best-available, scientifically-valid evidence and not on the ideological predispositions of agency officials or political appointees. More broadly, I am committed to creating a transparent and connected democracy, using cutting-edge technologies to provide a new level of transparency, accountability, and participation for America’s citizens."

They find a wicked cool intact mastodon skull in France.

Women apparently find all that bullshit in churches dis empowering. Who'd have thought. Check out the result! Having personally experienced this to some degree, it's fun to see that it happens on a large scale.

Burying women alive helps stop obscenity. If you aren't out there with a shovel, your community is clearly on the rocks.
The Human Rights Watch provides more insight to and instances of the problem.

On a different vein. I'm not sure a hygiene law directed at protecting both staff and patients against transferal of disease is really discrimination. I don't think the woman is considering that she is asking for special treatment for her modesty to the physical detriment of others. Maybe she and the Islamic Medical Association just consider it to be less important. Interesting order of events in any case.

These are just random links. I guess.
I mailed out checks (small ones) today to pay my loan payments. Bills make me feel amazingly accomplished for some reason. Cheers!

And I learned to use links in a post:P

down under for the day

2008-08-20T09:00:00.004-04:00

Australia is hopefully looking to move forward on fully decriminalizing abortion:
http://www.radioaustralia.net.au/news/stories/200808/s2340866.htm?tab=latest

It did surprise me actually that such a well developed nation would still be struggling with this. Mind, they have a rather scary contingent of evangelicals on their continent who are all for pseudo science and wildly against abortion. In terms of creationism I was surprised to find that outside of the USA, they have the largest number of museums and morons championing it.

*settles into the morning with some ginger breakfast cake* tasty!

Not Blonde? Sucks to be you.

2008-07-12T10:31:00.002-04:00

So this beauty is an add hosted by google from http://profile-bling.com/. It certainly grabbed my attention. Not positively. Couldn't we endeavor to at least be subtly offensive instead?
ps. I like the glasses.

One never grows accustomed to offensive idiocy

2008-06-03T15:29:00.002-04:00

"His control group—who were all supposedly heterosexuals—is also in question because most of them had died of AIDS."

Now I do speed read. Sometimes I miss the nuance of a sentence and need to go back because it is too complex to fly through so quickly. This one I staggered through several times not because of speed but out of sheer goggling. Go ahead, go back and stare at it once more time. Yes, you're correct. It is indeed saying that the participants of a study are not heterosexual because they had AIDS. Only gay people get AIDS! (headesk)

"Those who practice homosexual behavior are at much higher risk for many sexually transmitted diseases, including not just HIV, but also syphilis, gonorrhea, human papilloma virus (HPV), hepatitis, chlamydia, and a whole group of infections called “gay bowel syndrome.”

"When a person embraces a homosexual identity, they are basically being defined (however unconsciously) by the wounds of their past (absent/abusive parent, teasing and isolation from peers, etc.) We believe a more healthy approach is to confront those lies that we have believed since childhood and basically undo them by believing the truth. It is important for the struggler to dig deep and discover what it was in their past that convinced them they were defective as male or female."

Those are only a few of the goodies that await you. Defective?

So, this delightful tidbit of knowledge I'm certain you were lacking came from the Day Of Truth ( http://www.dayoftruth.org/about/default.aspx ) website links for knowledge on homosexuality. This particular line was crafted by Exodus.

http://www.dayoftruth.org/docs/dayoftruthhomosexualityfaq.pdf

http://www.dayoftruth.org/docs/dayoftruth10bigmyths.pdf

These two are full of all sorts of exciting things that I sure never realized.

Sarcasm aside, I've participated in the Day of Silence since I was 15. I don't think it ever occured to me that protesting unfair, cruel, malicious, discriminatory treatment is somehow an effort to prevent people from speaking the truth. Mind you, by their numbers, this movement hasn't taken off nearly so well as the actual day of silence.

ps. economy please pick up so that people will tip me the monies. thx

christians are soul sucking street walkers.

2008-04-18T02:05:00.004-04:00

No really. They lure you in with pop rocks and movie nights.

So the girls across the hall from me suddenly got very friendly. They invited me to their room to watch movies, started bugging me to come to dinner with them. Prior to this we kept our relationship strictly to compliments on slippers, bathrobes, and dispassionate greetings.

Turns out they had been looking at my 'why creationism is not science and is stupid' wall and had decided that since I hadn't been saved by their bible verse a week on their notice board program, it was time to step up their game. At least I finally know where all the invites to youth group that end up under my door are coming from.

Seriously, joy.

On a brighter note! I have two papers due tomorrow, a test, and a discussion to lead. There's nothing quite like the end of a semester. Solution? Wearing lucky grey socks and procrastinating.

Fags & Phelps, An Unlikely Combination

2008-01-26T12:09:00.000-05:00

I'm really not sure what to think about this.

It's very true that people see them from both sides and cringe. Bigotry is a nasty thing to stare in the face. but I think they are just hate mongers. And I don't think you can respect someone for admitting to being a bigot, or admitting to a prejudice. It's almost worse if you do admit it. It's like.. this is what you believe, and you can see what it is. But you'd rather keep it. People make mistakes and get confused yes. But when you see what it is you're really believing... It's like saying "I'm a bitch" and expecting to get away with being mean and spiteful because you admitted it. I think I rather respect them less.

In better news, my window is fixed! I can open! I can CLOSE!

exams:(

2007-12-10T16:55:00.000-05:00

Last week was brutal, this week is brutal.

I hate being so stressed out that I can't focus properly.

I ate two gigantic servings of 9-layer fire roasted vegetable lasagna. They were really good. Lots of zing. The best news yet? I have 4 more servings! I am going to eat it ALL.

I can't wait for this Saturday. I'm flying out to visit my sister in Arizona for her birthday. We're going to have a giant gingerbread man party. (Don't you just love to bite their perfectly round heads off!!) She also got us places volunteering on The Polar Express. We're going to give out hot chocolate and candy canes while getting all the kids seated and strapped. I'm really excited:) Kids are a lot of fun.

I rediscovered one of my favourite hymns on Sunday. It was playing in the latest Hearts of Space radio show. I vow to thee my country. It's so beautiful. The arrangements for it are always ethereal. It's also rather funny considering the lyrics. Especially that of the discontinued verse.

"I vow to thee, my country, all earthly things above,

Entire and whole and perfect, the service of my love;

The love that asks no question, the love that stands the test,

That lays 'pon the altar the dearest and the best;

The love that never falters, the love that pays the price,

The love that makes undaunted the final sacrifice.

And there's another country, I've heard of long ago,

Most dear to them that love her, most great to them that know;

We may not count her armies, we may not see her King;

Her fortress is a faithful heart, her pride is suffering;

And soul by soul and silently her shining bounds increase,

And her ways are ways of gentleness, and all her paths are peace."

The omitted verse is as follows

"I heard my country calling, away across the sea,; Across the waste of waters she calls and calls to me.; Her sword is girded at her side, her helmet on her head,; And round her feet are lying the dying and the dead.; I hear the noise of battle, the thunder of her guns,; I haste to thee my mother, a son among thy sons."
It's considered in bad taste to declare loyalty to country over that of family, friends, and god these days. A pity. It's also a bit macabre for a hymn I suppose. Oh well:)

Back to work to work to work!

horror

2007-05-01T19:32:00.000-04:00

"My fellow Americans, major combat operations in Iraq have ended. In the battle of Iraq, the United States and our allies have prevailed."-George W. Bush (May 1, 2004)

Today he vetoed the bill from congress- the emergency spending bill, for the troops because it stipulated a withdrawl date.

This bill is the reason why democrats were elected into congress. This bill is what americans want. This bill saves lives, saves resources, saves face.... it begins to remove us from a quagmire we never should have entered.

I know he said he was going to. I know he did. I don't know why I am so shocked and dissapointed.

Poland Indeed

2007-04-26T11:54:00.000-04:00

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/6596829.stm

How absurd, that a country who was so abused and has long been the victim of harassment and discrimination and countless violations of human rights... that they would be trying to move forward with this movement. Especially since they are so dependant on a supernational institution that has laws in place that clearly disparage homophobia. It's clear the Polish government doesn't care much about Poland. Fun.

I did so well in one of my classes that I'm exempt from the exam:) Hoooray!

A growing solution

2007-03-21T14:27:00.000-04:00

http://www.fordfound.org/publications/ff_report/view_ff_report_detail.cfm?report_index=567

http://www.sdinet.org/reports.htm

Isn't it interesting to see what happens when we give the funds directly to those that need it?

I <3 orange blossom oolong tea

swivet

2007-01-06T09:53:00.000-05:00

Returning to school
Classic Inclination stops
Drowning in water

bing!

outdated gal, cheap

2006-09-14T00:02:00.000-04:00

I was told today that I surely don't belong in this century.

Will you sing with me while standing on a windowsill?

2006-07-22T13:02:00.000-04:00

I have funny dreams lately. Of putting soup in my pockets, of waves that are always taller than me with strong undertow, and of course singing the kazoo song.

I've officially moved out of my parents, out of my grandmothers, out of the mountains. This is a good thing. All the things that have been burdening me so badly will in part be relieved. I'm in a place where undue pressures are off, and I can concentrate on getting better. If this keeps up, I'll be able to go back to school sooner than I had intended. Maybe spring semester. I don't know where I'll go, but I might go back, at least for part time.

Work is full of fascinating things, like binding machines that make perfectly rectangular holes in a neat little line. I like it. I have not mastered the tape gun yet, but I am hopeful. I might get a promotion soon too. These things are easy and nice.
This coming week or the next, I'll be searching for a part time night job. I want to stay very busy and be productive. If nothing else, this time off gets me out of school debts nicely. People think I won't go back, but they are silly. I miss going to classes already. I love being a student. I love staying up all night to write papers, or cramming for a test between classes, or while eating.
Susannah came home from China. She is herself with bells on. I've really missed her. She is a very structured person, and likes things just so. She forces me to adapt a lot.

This is an extremely long and boring post. Mundane probably tastes like cherry pie, just nobody ever wants to check.

-the well tea'd and soup'd and kazoo'd liz-

Colorblind

2006-06-27T01:54:00.000-04:00

So I had the same sort of day as my last post:P My life is really not so tedious, I just post more when it is like this.
I'm listening to my depression music and eating depression cookies. I'll be better soon.

"But I heard that black holes ate stars! oh, no that's a lie. These are not star snacks."

I feel existentialist and disgusting. I feel like leaping off of a cliff and never hitting the bottom. But to never hit the bottom would defeat the purpose. I wonder how long it would take me to hit. I feel like Miss Danvers hand is on my shoulder and we're peering into the mist. I'll never see it.

I cannot say that I regret you, for I don't have a heart enough to care for your pains. You are diverting. Or, you were diverting.

I am not going to get better.

I'll poison your damned coffee thanks so much dear

2006-06-10T16:06:00.000-04:00

It's been one of those days. I can't endure another lecture about how I'm "failing the family" by taking a couple of semesters off of university. Fuck them.
Work in an hour.
I can't think of a single thing to say.

Tender Lies

2006-04-29T23:27:00.000-04:00

I'll take it.

I can imagine typing from my desk, relaxing in cool shadows. The room isn't blue, but it is always so dim and quiet feeling we call it the blue room. Then it will rain and it will taptap on the eaves and drip down the shiny wet leaves on bushes outside. It will smell moist and peaceful.

I wonder which path to take.

dry

2006-03-23T21:37:00.000-05:00

I wish it would rain rain rain. I will be happier then.

Roulette

2006-03-20T11:31:00.000-05:00

There is something abysmal about today. Abysmal demands soup.
Hurricaines are awful.
Wars are awful.

all about the love, violent pornography

2006-03-08T21:23:00.000-05:00

Fireplaces pop in a most disturbing fashion. I miss good internet.
Sometimes the best friends are the kind who arent all that gentle with you, but are honest and true and willing to get to bottom of the problem without judging you.
And above all, fluffs to guys who are friends, and dont have a fucking alteriour motive to sleep with you. THANKS
love to zanna and my grandma

ripples

2006-01-19T18:49:00.000-05:00

I had a paragraph written for this. I deleted it in favor of a cup of tea and saying that today was unimaginably sad.

discretion kicked my ass as it went soaring past

2006-01-12T23:55:00.000-05:00

I have a wicked tounge... it has a long history of getting me into trouble with people who arent used to me being quite as scathing to them. I said something that here in the US really isnt that horrid at all, and would be passed off as some sort of funny historical reference. Whereas a person from that country in question probably doesnt feel the same way. at all..
I dont know how to make it better, or explain that I am stupid and useless too. Or that people say things about current armericans all the time which hurt me quite a bit. I am so used to the snappy give and take that I forget to take care of the people involved. And that sometimes it hurts me too:(

I made someone sad. Someone who has never even seen me. fuck me

Minty Fresh

2006-01-11T09:07:00.000-05:00

eh, this morning I went to brush my teeth and there was fuzz on my toothbrush, since I KNOW that I didnt put dear sparkles anywhere near the floor, I can only assume that the fuzz carpet from hell is finally coming after me. This was a long sentance.

eh

2006-01-06T23:08:00.000-05:00

(Playerkillers) Zoot wisps: Groux GWA don't need your respect
(Playerkillers) GrouX wisps: i want your rotting corpse not your respect shit ok?

Fluffy people:P

Back at school, getting back into the swing of things, trying to remember at least SOME Chinese before class starts. Love to zanna

miso

2005-12-18T12:45:00.000-05:00

I went back to a church today that I hadnt been to in nearly 8 months. Hillariously enough I was suddently overcome with shyness. I blame it on church shock. Mass is so much.....quieter. I also dislike when middle-aged men hug me. It is unnerving

Sometimes dreams are meant to die, regardless of how much we may have invested in them. I have a list that I am going to kill by the end of this year. dead dead dead

I went pk, speaking of killing. And my scathe takes off roughly 100hp:P

I make miso miso miso!! And I miss my sister. :) I will make her lots when she comes home

goo

2005-12-13T00:00:00.000-05:00

a nosebleed and seizure later I now remember why people try to sleep every few days at least. :P
I am a moron.

I am staring at a nyquil tablet and wondering if I smush it what will come out- is it jelly inside or gellish? Or, I could just go ahead and ingest it. But eating loses its alure when you dont play with your food. or medicine. or general chemicals. I think I will sleep forever and forget that the future might exist somewhere.
ah ha! It is a thin jelly!!

I do not feel well at all.

fatal error

2005-12-11T17:15:00.000-05:00

I just wrote a paragraph about how the russisn revolution was failure before I realized what I was doing.
I sneeze more when my roomate is around.
Naked people bother me.

Listening to Heikki- You Should Be Resting

searching for heikki

2005-12-11T02:07:00.000-05:00

listening to shearwater -whipping boy

My name hurts if you say it too nicely.

I cant see anymore

sleepless

2005-12-07T20:13:00.001-05:00

I was about to climb into the shower last night when I spotted a worm on the bathroom carpet. I did what any sane and logical person would do in that sort of situation. I panicked. I am capable of dealing with worms fully clothed, but when in the nude I abhore the very concept of them. Reticent visions of scenes from Hatchet pop into my head and I lose it.
Luckily for my sanity and physical health I discovered that what I saw as a worm, was in actually a bit of fluff known as yarn.

fabulous

2005-12-03T18:49:00.000-05:00

I feel like a wraith today.
Maybe dark and stormy would be less dramatic. or not.

I want a kitchen. If I had one I would make green onion soup. Hard to make with a wish and a dash of cilantro.

winter musings

2005-12-02T18:06:00.000-05:00

I sometimes think I make an effort to fail so that I'll have nowhere else to turn.

I completed 2 really nice tricks today. I am proud of them. I had major tms in enchanting and summoning.

I love being in chinese class, I dont think I've ever had a teacher so determined to make everyone get an A.

I watched sailormoon sailor stars last night, just 1/3 ep but the shame shall haunt me for at least a decade.

thinking of you

2005-11-30T12:20:00.000-05:00

I made tea with a snake spoon yesterday.

My brother added me to his googletalk, without me knowing or asking. It made me feel really nice. Almost as nice as when he hugged me. He is wonderful.

Singapore hangs people who smuggle drugs.

cha!!

2005-11-20T23:11:00.000-05:00

when I type bl into my google bar blogger and "blood of eden" pop up as choices..... I dont ever recall searching for this topic, but hey...
upon completing a blood of eden search I come up with Peter Gabriel lyrics. My life just gets wierder and wierder. It is supossed to snow tuesday. I am going home anyway. The snow can go taunt a flamethrower or something. Otherwise I will get it good.
I know how to offer you tea in Chinese and Japanese. and english.. well? do you want some?

love love to zannazanzan

if I were you!

2005-11-12T14:44:00.000-05:00

She looks like she was just ambused by an apple tree. I blame the cre's for my unaesthetic appearence. It's all thier fault.
My bellybutton is very clean. I can hold a little puddle of soapy goo in it.
wagga? wugga? moop?
love love zanna

FIRE FIRE FIRE!!

2005-11-07T00:29:00.000-05:00

I had a little bird,

Its name was Enza.

I opened the window,

And in-flu-enza.

that's what the good children sing when millions die:) Almost as fun as that little song about the great chicago fire

"One dark night, when we were all in bed,

Old lady Leary lit a lantern in the shed,

And when the cow kicked it over, it winked its eye and said,

There'll be a hot time in the old town tonight.

FIRE FIRE FIRE!!"

You sing it in rounds and it is delightful.

moving onto the french- oh just start deporting them all already, you know you want to.

A'tuin has died and I cannot play discworld. I will cry until it comes back, otherwise I just read about 1918 pandemics and the BBC. Cant wait to go home. love love all.

Munch

2005-11-03T01:03:00.000-05:00

I want to be a vampire, they get to wear filmy dresses and live in castles. Drat my eating habits...

I wrote an email to Sherri, I dont regret or retract anyhting I said in it, but I do feel that I should have softened it a bit. On the bright side, I may discover that it wasnt her email address, so I can do a rewrite and gentle it down a smidgen.

Jazz is good early morning music.

Gingerbread men are awesome, I love biting off their perfectly perfectly round heads.
Yummy!

Life is just a dream you know, that's never ending

2005-11-02T02:15:00.000-05:00

Dont wake me from the dream, it's really everything it seemed. Where's your messiah...
Blue-seatbelts

Wow, good good song, and just about perfect for this moment. I bled inside the first time I heard it in context with Bebop. That's the sort of ending that crushes you.

I've been dreaming about places and people who are far away since morning. Apathy and guilt feelings are missing for the time being and I just want to finish all of my homework again. It is nice.

A toy Goldfish came in my carton of Goldfish today. I have lovelled and cuddled and huggled him right up. He is my best friend ever, along with Mr. Pumpkin. Much love to zannazan

hystrionics, or in user-friendly terms- meloncholy

2005-10-30T22:19:00.000-05:00

I am going to die. It just really feels like it...
I am upset with Sherri, she invaded my privacy and my right to it. Sometimes I think that family has no concept of how other families and people operate. She is still a nice lady though. my sister says she is just more of a gossip. People who think I am nicer than my sister are morons. I am far less tolerant.

Listening to DJ Markski-Ski Mix 23

There is an enourmous pumpkin in the hall. I made friends with him.

I miss the river.

fix you

2005-10-27T16:42:00.000-04:00

Nothing says love like handcuffs and a coffee table.

Leaves are turning pretty colours.

Welch's Orange Pineapple is my most favorite.

ew

2005-10-22T16:03:00.000-04:00

Sex is a painful and damp process that is reserved for criminals and those particularly undeserving of divine intervention.

Listening to roxxy-we can touch the sky

thinking secret thoughts. missing my sister. thinking how wierd it is not to be rafting.
Today is beautiful.

Venus As A Boy

2005-10-17T19:28:00.000-04:00

Today on my Japanese midterm, I forgot the word for pork cutlet. I dont feel particulary bad about forgetting- but I feel like I should. I dont care about much of anthing these days.
I like my new teacup. It is lovely and delicate. I think I choose teacups that I would like to be like. Dishes are like that.

I fell flat on my face today. It was on a nice flat piece of concrete too. My knees painted little bits of the world around me. I am decorative to the last.

I read a book that I've read many times before. "Re-Creations" I have always loved this book and the things it holds . But lately, especially now when I read it. I feel like the girl who is a horrible vampiric soul who sucks the life and love and happiness of those virtuous and deserving people around her. I read lines resembling "and his mother did all the sweet little things society expects for the girl, but he knew underneathe dear that she was really grieving for his unbecoming choice" not a direct quote maybe, but close enough. I hate such judgemental lines like this. This woman they speak of so cruelly is never defended- noe given the chance to defend herself even by appearence. They just speak of her for the most part scathingly and sorrowfully. As if she herself were the very pit and filth of humanity. I dont associate myself with her because I think this of myself. Just her general placement in the world.

The leaves were pretty today as I walked to class. The autumn shadows were even better. I miss my big sister. I hope her autumn is as nice as mine.

bubble kisses

2005-10-12T21:11:00.000-04:00

Susannah can read my blog again!!!!!!!! China is the bestest ever:)
Today I babysat my 4 year old cousin. She asked me if I had ever "kissed a bubble"
I thought this was the most amazing thing in the world. Especially when she demonstrated. Everyone should be asked this question at least once in their life, and everyone should really be able to answer yes.
She aso told me that my head scarf looked silly. and that is scared her. I love little cousins.
I have 2 take home midterms. They make me want to cry.
I love couches, they feel so nice to lie one and read. This break already seems to be disapearing. I want a month. I have to get my hair cut tomorrow. I dont want to. nope nope.
huggles to zanna and I hope you are enjoying the autumn.

the sky is still crying

2005-10-10T22:04:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I wish people werent so blunt. Then I realize that regardless of how it affects my emotions, I most certainly deserve it. I am not really deserving of tact at all. So please, when it comes to my faults, please be harsh.
I go home tomorrow. And Susannah called me. That is pretty much everything that is allright with tonight. I miss being someone people like to talk to because I'm nice. Now, I am horrifically rude and brash. I should tape my mouth shut.
I dont think there is anything nice left in me at all.

glitterball

2005-10-09T21:05:00.000-04:00

Fall break is almost almost almost here. I can hardly wait to go home to my grandma and pocco and all of my friends. I almost feel like I havent worked hard enough for this joy though.

Rafting makes my back hurt.

sylvia plath is awesome
so is fc kahunas "glitterball"

water tastes nice
love to zanna zanna zanna, I will write her pretty letters soon

If I knew, I'd be normal

2005-10-06T01:55:00.000-04:00

I feel like somone just smashed me in the head with a large plastic yellow dumptruck with metal wheel things. I have 3(count them) 3 different versions of forever young on my playlist. Everything else is pretty much unmentionable or MSI. Or a ski mix. I have lots of them...

I am attempting to gain a wheat allergy from eating too much ramen.

I hate studying for calc tests, my notes remind me of the person I am at that time of morning. It's really not fair to relive it in the name of grades. I am not averse to failure.

"the scientist" still makes me cry.

I miss my necklace.

I get to come home for fall break. Home shouldnt come in short bursts, it should be more permanent. I didnt hit either fridge this time, I get a medal.
I start RCIA classes tomorrow.
my head hurts and I miss my sister

my hurty head responds badly to research related pokes.

2005-10-05T02:46:00.000-04:00

I think my eyes hurt.....
Or maybe I am tired.
Josh stole something from my room and I dont know what.
I have all of his hooters gear and 2 hats. I think I win.
I dislike it when people confine relationships so much that they panic over mundane things. I dislike it even more when they attempt to impress those confines on other people and thier relationships.
I miss my big sister.
I need a new roomie
I love walking outside at night. Especially in the woods between hills. Such dark loamy scents and wonderful shadows. It was like being in an outdoor cathedral.
When playing rolemaster under a snarky dm- do not ask the fairy dragon for help. He will whisk you away to a pretty grove and "court" you while your party dies. Especially if you are said partys healer. eep. yeah, that would have been me.
Discworld is STILL cooler than Guild wars. Salut!

I'll be gone till Novemeber

2005-10-02T03:41:00.000-04:00

fortune cookie- you are sociable and entertaining
I realized something tonight. That I cant do certain things without another person honestly believing and meaning a certain thing. I am not required to feel or think that way- but they had damn well better. other wise.... it just never works. so here I am. and for now, that is just fine.

I'm talking to maybe 5 people this month, and you know, i can almost guarantee that you arent one of them. goodnight, good morning, but dont stop by. I cant look you in the face until novemeber.
Getting some mass amounts of MSI now.

storytime from basilzach

2005-09-30T11:55:00.000-04:00

Judging by the times of my posts, I never sleep.
I do actually, it just...doesnt look like it.
yeah
. oh and rotflmao. Lock your door sweetie. deadbolt or barricade. Stefans eyes will never be the same.
Susannah called me. I am full of blissjoy:) I miss her so much. She spoke chinese to me. She informed me she has a "chinese" redneck accent based on the dialect she is learning. I on the other hand just sound classy. Unless I am in taiwan. which in that case- I'm screwed.
lovelovelove
miss my sister

do you know what it feels like for a girl?

2005-09-24T09:23:00.000-04:00

china hates me, so susannah cant read my blog.
I am too pansy for gauley. I didnt go. 10 minutes before and I chickened out. and my just rewards are the mutiple disasters that followed. I hate people. and boys. and people. and boys.
Hey, you know who you are. I fricken miss you.
I look to God, but the sky is empty-Sylvia Plath

ow

2005-09-16T06:48:00.000-04:00

i cant wake up
i have a test in an hour
i cant wake up
i dont remember the material
i think i hate math
i cant wake up

Haunted is a silly word

2005-09-15T20:39:00.000-04:00

listening to hinata vs neji by toshiro masuda
hiding from my practice calc exam
wondering why air comes in a can
remembering how delicious semi frozen ice is
feeling the burn in my fingertips from dipping them into the ice tray..
watching the lights blink in my fan and reminded of my brothers room at night-bluedim and secret
I want to go home, to climb the stairs and trip over pocco. To kiss my grandma goodnight and hear rain dripping against old overhangs.
In another week the leaves will change and I can blow and swirl down the hill to class with them. I dream of moments lovely.
I miss the rain.

I have double chinese happy on my window- what do you have?

2005-09-09T00:03:00.000-04:00

I am relationship-challenged.
I am public-relations challenged.
I am also mathematically disinclined...
yay
It is silly to keep hope like this. I should cast it away somewhere. But sometimes memories are too precious to lose- even in the name of progress and trying again. I really should be a Nun.
Night all and wow zanna has an amazingly pink bike:)

q's are strikingly odd

2005-09-02T15:04:00.000-04:00

I am so thrilled to have a working hard drive again. It fills me with bubbles of joy and joy:) I have umbuntu installed right now and it is working perfectly. My old hard drive will have everything extracted and put on here if possible on monday. Thus far the terminal and liz mostly get along...
In Chinese today we read poetry. It is like singing with lots more vowels. lovely!
My boss wants me to spend the night at the guidehouse and work Sunday too... I dont want to at all. at all at all.... sigh and ew
Susannah sent me emails!!!! I was so excited that I did multiple happy dances. I keep thinking that it is all some sort of surreal dream, and that she will really be back tomorrow.
I have a laptop cooler thing coming to me in the mail. I am so excited about it I could probably run all the way to the gorge.
I miss my Grandma and her little dog and soft carpets.

DAMN

2005-08-28T23:35:00.000-04:00

If by selective eater you mean- eats whatever comes of the jar that will open.

Contusion is Hungry

2005-08-28T20:26:00.000-04:00

Once, when my cousin Daniel was very small, he came to visit my parents. Upon arrival he pointed his chubby little finger at my mother and pronounced what he believed to be her name-dumptruck. After the events of yesterday, I am convinced this was actually some sort of strange malediction he meant to pronounce over me, but was too young to point any better.

Yesterday at work I had the not so good luck to get a 1545 trip which happened to be extremely large and completely composed of sorority girls. Now, when we arrived at the falls after an ungodly long 4 hours on the water, the self guides refused to go through the falls without a guide. So we took our boats through and went back for the rest. I had the even more not so good luck to get an 8 load which was composed of the worlds worst paddlers. We proceeded to go a bit too far left at the falls and the boat was too heavy to correct the placement. Sideways happened and then we all got to feel how refreshing and brisk a swim the Nantahala can be. I somehow clamber back into the raft and pull 8 more girls in. I have no recollection of this. I only know that out of 9 paddles, only 3 were left(including mine). I somehow muscle the boat into a takeout below USAs and proceed to smile hysterically at my boss who saw the entire thing.
Thankfully, as it was 8pm at night the pictures did not come out.

I skipped church today and went with Kelly to a discussion about the demon she met last night. I am glad that I got off work so late last night. I do not think I want to meet "daos" or whatever it is called. I think I require experienced advice and I do not know where to find it.

My Bible is sitting on top of my fridge. It is neatly placed against the seam in the corner. It is bothering me.

I think more homework and a cup of tea is in order.

Amerimacka

2005-08-22T22:34:00.000-04:00

Thievery Coorporation is rocking me twice and thrice:)
I'm all moved in and waiting for school to begin
I am a silly girl, with silly dreams, and most of all- a very silly heart.

The CN Tower Belongs to the Dead

2005-08-16T16:26:00.000-04:00

I think the world may have just exploded.
I cant seem to focus right now. I keep thinking about salad and school.
I keep thinking that I have no clue where to go in life.
I keep thinking I should be Catholic and a Nun.
I keep writing lists in my head of things left to pack for school.
I think that I should get more stitches.
I keep thinking I should cut my hair.
I keep thinking I should pack all my things at the guide house and do laundry.
I keep thinking that I should charge my cell phone.
I think I should walk back to Melissas house and have a cup of tea.

Arent you glad you dont live in my head? I am going to write a list now to shut myself up.
love to zanna, extra love to thomas for carrying me and for all of his advice, extra love to melissa for the comfy couch and the rice....and rainbows to the creators of goldfish:)

Shearwater

2005-08-11T10:50:00.000-04:00

But in the morning
exploding with red
I awoke completely
by accident..
Zach says he is coming to see me today:)
Ginger Oolong mornings always turn out well
kisses to zanna

Earl Grey Wednesday

2005-08-10T18:12:00.000-04:00

I pulled my stitches out. Every single one. A little snip, a tug, and some goop later I have a foot. It's amazing what a creative afternoon can do for a girl.
All my financial aid is reinstated and my classes are registered again. It makes me a happy student. I keep wondering if I shouldnt maybe take latin... it seems like a history major type thing to do, but I think I would rather focus on asian or latin american history. speaking of which, this paper will not write itself. Marx.... mmmmm. He has such nice models of revolutionary change, I think he may well be my favorite.
I think I will have a cup of tea:)
Kisses to Zanna and Allisons tailess kitty:p

Waiting is wasting for people like me-Akeboshi

2005-08-10T12:03:00.001-04:00

dreams that crumble, dreams that fade. daydreams are everything when reality kicks in.
haha

And if it's all the same to you, I love you oh so well

2005-08-08T22:39:00.000-04:00

music is amazing. It never fails to reach in a touch the aching spots.
I hurt my Mom today. I didnt mean to or want to, but something I had to do caused her pain. I know that I did the honest thing, but I feel guilty nonetheless.
Sometimes, or actually most or all of the time, I am just not big enough to handle it all.
Thomas sent me the most wonderful email to cheer me up about being out of work for a while it goes as follows
"

I will devour your soul....... with a side of cucumbers......... and those little danish things, what are those called? Ahhh... it was on the tip of my mind....but you know those small danish things right? Oh! especially when they have blueberry filling! I looooovvvveee blueberry filling! They are sooooooo tasty, and then you put a little bit of sprinkled sugar on them, and they just melt in your mouth!....... (cough)......... Anyways, back to what I was saying.... Me kill you... soul devouring and such and so and so, death of soul and such....... indeed.....

-Thomas"

and that is why I adore my older brother. He is the sweetest ever:)
Hugs to Joshie too for his KGB stunt. I nearly fell for it(yes I am that gullible)
I miss mountains.
love to all and zan the mostest

The Long Day is Always Just Beginnning

2005-08-08T09:03:00.000-04:00

I got a fancy vacation for my ever so fancy stitches in my foot. And it took me a-sailing to Oriental to go sailing with my Aunt Ruth. Her house is an old schoolhouse remodelled there. I live in one endless cycle of schools and rivers. :) I happen to love both
I cant wait to get off crutches, they drive me up the wall and onto nonexistant ceilings that I fall off of all the time:(
Susannah is missed missed missed! I slept with her blanket last night and she wasnt even here to yell at me.
I ate some ohjyummy asparagus lat night. Seriously incredible stuff:)
love love to all and eep for good measure

I am angry at you. yes you

2005-07-28T16:37:00.000-04:00

I turned old 2 days ago. I am not certain that I am fully ready for the responsibilities that go along with this new spin in the wheel o time. So I drank enough to get good and tipsy and then went swimming in the Pigeon River at around 2 in the morning. I felt much better about it at the time.
I am re-energized about school, all it took was a little bit of npr:) So try my best I shall. I miss my sister who is in China. She should come back soon.
I have discovered that I really like semi frozen dr pepper. you should all try it. it is amazing.
love love

nighttime

2005-05-13T22:52:00.000-04:00

I saw my first live possum tonight. I didnt run over him though. I love singing at the top of my lungs while alone in cacrs, it makes me happy inside.
My sister took me out to dinner tonight. She rocks completely.

hmm. a breath of air

2005-05-05T01:22:00.000-04:00

I have an exam in roughly 7 hours and I cannot sleep.... boo:(
I want to dance around in circles until I fall over mostly dead lol
I have been trying to download Nightwish's "She Is My Sin" for days now. It will not come because it is all mean mean. ah well. I think what this moment needs is some very yellow gatorade.